BEANSY FANFIC SPORKING THEATRE TWO-THOUSAND-SCHFIFTY-FIVE.

This fanfic is My Inner Life by… some moron. I shall mock it.

((O hai guise. I’m Beans, and I’ll be sporking this piece of crap. That’s original, right?))

Prologue

Dreams come in many forms. Some good, some bad, some very realistic, even ones that feels very real.

((Ones that feels, huh? I’m a ones that feels that this is gonna be nightmarish.))

A dream may come to us from happy events, or even stem from bad events in our lives. Some come to us as a pleasure dream and some come as nightmares. Some become vague memories after time, while some stay very rich in our minds.

((I believe this to be true. My impending nightmares stemming from this garblemesh will stay rich in my mind for a long time.))

This is a story about a dream that I had. A dream that became more dreams. A dream that would end one night then resumes the next.

((More dreams? It’s the gift that keeps on plaguing us. Oh, and I like tense changes too.))

It became like a second life. Ever since I became a Zelda fan, I grew an interest in Link. I thought of him as the perfect man. One that you could not find of this world. I thought of him as a man that should have been.

((… Oh. Um. Crap. Do I have to do this?))

The more that he attracted my attention the more I became more attracted to him.  I felt like there was a connection between him and me. Then he became a part of me, and after that I fell deeply in love with him.

((… This girl is already scaring me.))

I know that may sound queer to you but love is a mysterious thing and should not be taken lightly. Love is a very strong emotion, an emotion that should be treasured. Love comes from the heart, but when it takes hold, it’s got you.

((If by “queer” you mean “strange”, then yes. It sounds strange to me. And totally bugforking insane.))

I quite don’t understand it myself, but I do know that when I first laid my eyes upon Link I fell in love with him. My heart just told me it was right. Told me he was the one, the one I had been searching for. Ever since then I have felt that it was destiny that has brought me to him. Even in my mind it feels the same.

((SEEK HELP.))

I don’t consider myself any different from anyone else. Though I have love for someone that is not really there, he will always remain very real to me inside my heart and in my mind. Even to this day I still love him. He has kept me very happy. He has made me happy when I was sad. He has made me feel stronger about myself. He has even taken care of me in ways that no one else can. Even though I have feelings for him, I’m not any different from the rest of you.

((YES YOU ARE. YOU ARE A SPECIAL LITTLE SNOWFLAKE THAT MUST QUICKLY BE MELTED.))

I will always hold him close to me in my heart. He is still on my mind and I still have dreams. The connection stills remains strong, and the dreams very real.

I lived an entire life with Link in Hyrule. All stemming from a series of dreams. Dreams that I want to have. Dreams that I make happen. From the first day I met him, to the birth of our first child, to even the days when Link and I prepared our family in the event that Gannon should return. This book is based on my inner life. A second life lived in a far away land in another time line in another dimension. A tale of love, passion, despair and hope. I enjoyed my inner life. I looked forward to going to sleep to it every night. And I look forward to ones that will come, because LOVE WILL NEVER DIE.

((Hopefully, you will. After developing nightmares and/or chronic insomnia.))

The Beginning

I will never forget the day, the day I met Link. It was a warm spring day; I was on my usual trip back to Hyrule with my wagon of goods to sell in Hyrule market at the annual Spring Festival (1).  I have been a traveling merchant since I was fourteen.

((By the way, that (1) is a footnote explaining what a Spring Festival is… a festival in the spring. Anyway, traveling merchants at age 14? Yeah, that’s believable.))

This is my sixth year returning to Hyrule. The last two years I was not able to return when Princess Zelda sent word of an evil presence in Hyrule. Then all contact was lost. For almost two years I tried to contact Princess Zelda.

((… Why are you, a middle-class (at best) merchant, contacting Zelda and vice-versa? What? Tense change?))

Desperately I kept trying to find out if she was ok. I was never too long without contact with my good friend. Then I was considering going to investigate, when one-day word came in that peace had been restored to Hyrule do to the legendary “Hero of Time.”

((… No. No, no, you’re not friends with royalty when you’re a middle-class (at best) merchant. Does not work that way.))

After some catching up time with my old friend I came to find out what really happened. Seems that a Gerudo named Gannondorf, an evil man from Gerduo Valley, desired the legendary Triforce.

((You spelled Gerudo right, then spelled it wrong a few words later. WAT. Also, Ganondorf. GaNondorf.

And redundancy, ladies and gents! He’s a Gerudo AND an evil man from Gerudo Valley.))

Though the Triforce was only told in fairy tales to the children where I come from, I was amazed to find out it really existed. She told me how she played with things she knew nothing about. And about how Gannondorf tricked the soon to be “Hero of Time” into unlocking the door to the Sacred Realm.

((So Zelda talked to you about how she just screwed around irresponsibly?))

I even noticed that Zelda was a little older then I. Last I saw her she was four years younger then me. It was told to me that when Gannondorf went into the Temple of Time and into the Scared Realm, time jumped ahead in Hyrule seven years. Yet only two years passed in my land. And in the rest of the world.

((I don’t even own OoT and I know you failed here. In the game, time doesn’t “jump ahead in Hyrule”. Link was in some sort of magic sleep for seven years. Your timethingy is fail.))

After the “Hero of Time” defeated the King of Evil, the hero was granted to either return to the past or to remain in the present time. Since he chose to remain in the present Zelda jumped ahead of me in age by four years.  It seems that everyone in Hyrule jumped in age from the rest of the world. But now that peace was restored life resumed in Hyrule…. As I made my way down the desert trail that led to Hyrule I begun to think about whom the “Legendary Hero of Time” was.

((More timefail and, of course, she immediately begins lusting over Link before meeting him.))

I was very interested in meeting this man. Princess Zelda never told me his name, but I was going to make it a point this time to finally meet Hyrule’s Hero. As I turned off the dirt trail and onto Hyrule field, Hyrule castle appeared in the distance. Dust and dirt kicked up behind the wheels of my wagon as it creaked along. Then as I came closer to the gates of Hyrule castle, a familiar face appeared to greet me. I pulled back on the reins to make the horses come to a complete stop at the front gate, and I realized that the person greeting me was my good friend Princess Zelda.

((Capitalize “field” and “castle”, would ya? Also, if she’s a familiar face, why did you have to stop the horses before realizing that it’s Zelda?))

I have been a good friend of the Royal Family ever since my first arrival in Hyrule six years ago for Hyrule’s annual Spring Festival. Ever since the first day I met the Princess I have been one of her closest friends. I was even considered part of the Royal Family.

((… God damn you, woman. You’re not even trying to seem like this isn’t a gigantic author-avatar-Mary-Sue-abomination-with-hyphens.))

After I climbed down from my perch on the wagon, I ran over to Zelda and hugged her. “Hello Princess Zelda my good friend, yes it is good to see you. How have you been?” Looking at her I could tell she was happy to see me.

“Oh it is so good to see you again my friend! Come, come, father is waiting to see you!”

Leaving my wagon to be tended to by the stable hands I followed Zelda through the market place and to the gates that lead to the castle. As we approached the castle gates I saw some of the same guards I have seen in the past few years.

((Punctuation failure and blandness.))

Saluting to Princess Zelda and me was a guard named Perrino. I met him a few years back, during one of my first visits to Hyrule. He was one of the guards that befriended me the first time I arrived. He smiled a friendly smile as we passed by.

“Its nice to see you again Mistress Jenna.” He said as he waved.

((Why the hell does everybody love Jenna?! Also, I don’t care whether Perrino is canon or not.))

As I smiled back I thought to myself how good it was to be back again. We went through the front gate and made our way towards the palace garden. Upon approaching the gates leading to the garden another familiar face appeared to greet me. As we walked closer I realized that the face was of Zelda’s caretaker Impa of the Sheikahs. As I walked over to Impa she turned to fully face me and a small smile crossed her face.

((Again with the familiar face/pause/recognition crap. And moar luv foar Jenna!!!!1!!!eleven))

“Its good to see you again my friend. How has life been treating you?” Impa asked and put a hand on my shoulder.

“Oh fine. Nothing out of the ordinary. I had to chase some thief’s off on the first night that I was on my way here. Though after some facing time off I was able to chase them away with my bow.”

((Thief’s what? Had to chase off some of what that belonged to a thief? Unless you meant “thieves”, in which case, double failure. One for pluralizing “thief” wrong in the first place and one for using an apostrophe to pluralize a noun.))

Then I made a big grin as I remembered the looks on the thief’s faces when I rained arrows on them.

((Apparently it was only one thief, but one with several faces. And upon these faces, arrows were rained. Well, I’d arrow the hell out of a multi-faced thief that marauded me, so that’s reasonable.))

“Well it seems that with the abilities you posses you should have no problem keeping your possessions safe.”

With another smile Impa gestured for us to go into the garden.

((Buckle down, kids. Here comes the suck. More of it.))

That is where I met him. The man that took my heart. As we walked into the garden I saw a young man in green with his back facing us polishing a rather odd sword. As I watched him I had begun to notice something about the sword. It had a rather odd shape on the hilt. The hilt was blue with the top of the hilt looking like a fishes tail. The sword looked rather strangely familiar. I leaned over to Princess Zelda and asked her who the young man was.

((Why’s it familiar to her again?))

“That is the Legendary “Hero of Time,” his name is Link.” Zelda replied.

My eyes grew as big as saucers as I turned to look back at him. “You mean he is the “Hero of Time” you told me about? The one who saved Hyrule? Then that must be the Legendary Master Sword he is holding?”

((FFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU and also quotes within quotes should be single quotes, not double quotes.))

Zelda nodded yes. Just then Link turned to look at us. And with one look at his face my heart sank into my chest. He was the most gorgeous man I had ever laid my eyes upon. At that very moment I fell in love.

((… Wait, why does it sink into her chest? What? WhaOH HELL.))

His eyes were like looking down into deep blue pools of water. His lips firm. His ears long and sexy. Beautiful blond hair that parted in the middle.  And his body was so tight and muscular that it took my breath away.

((Purple prose, argh. Sexy ears, what?))

When our eyes met, I blushed and swiftly looked away. He approached me and took my hand in his, gently kissed it and asked, “Who might this beautiful young lady be?” I turned my head back to face him, and as our eyes met again I blushed. “My name is Jenna, I’m a traveling merchant from the Great Lebian Coast.” “My village is there.” “I have been a friend of the Royal Family for a long time.” “And I come every year for Hyrule’s annual Spring Festival.”

((Isn’t Link supposed to be sort of… I’unno, a little stoic? Why’s he suddenly such a charmer? And you don’t need to put every sentence of a quote in its own separate set of quotation marks. You didn’t do that before!))

He looked into my eyes and smiled. Watching him smile made my heart pound in my chest. He again took my hand in his, kissed it again and spoke. “Nice to meet you Mistress Jenna.” “You are as beautiful as a winter rose.” He said as he stared at me with his enchanted blue eyes. “Th-Thank you.” I stammered as I blushed again.

((She’s as beautiful as a dead rose? Heh.))

“What are you doing tonight?” He asked with a soft smile. ” Stunned, not believing my ears I turned and looked directly into his eyes again. “Nothing really.” “I was just going to retire to my wagon and cook supper before settling in front of a fire to read a book.” With a glint in his eyes he asked, “Why don’t you join me tonight in Kokiri Village for the annual Spring Night celebration?”(2)

((Footnote for some reason. Also, Link has known her for about two seconds and he’s hitting on her. WHAT. Oh, and he has to explain things to her.))

“It is a celebration feast that happens the night before the Spring Festival.” Without hesitation I took him up on his offer. “I would love to go.” I said with a soft smile. “I will pick you up this evening.” Link said with a grin. Just then a deep voice rumbled through the garden. “Jenna my dear friend, how have ye been?” A grandfatherly face appeared before me. With a smile I curtseyed before the King.

((ARRRRGH. Random “ye”?! HELP ME PLEASE.))

“King Zelda, my old friend how have I missed you!” ” I have been just fine.” ” It is really nice to see you again.” I said with excitement in my voice. As always the King thought of me as a daughter and always looked forward to the day when I would arrive in Hyrule for the annual Spring Festival. He always liked to see what new merchandise I have picked up thought my travels since the last time I was there. And most of the time he would buy something from me. But he always liked it when I would show up since I would bring lots of fun and happiness. As I looked at the King I realized I was some what at home.

((I hate you so much. HOW HAS A LOWLY MERCHANT BEEN PRACTICALLY ADOPTED BY A ROYAL FAMILY?!))

As he started to approach me I ran up to the King and gave him a hug. How I missed him. Ever since my parents died when I was very young, I never let anyone get very close to me. But the King was different. He opened up to me, took me into his family and became like a father to me. He gave me a home to come to every year. When I was in Hyrule, I felt at home.

((… Kill me. Kill me, you twits.))

“Jenna my sweet daughter, what have ye acquired through thy travels this past year?” I smiled at the King, “You must see some of the new cloth I picked up in the city of Skyile.” “The great city of light.” I smiled, as the King’s eyes grew big. “Jenna my daughter, you must show me what you’ve acquired.” Then he took my hand and began to lead me out of the garden. With one last look back at Link, I smiled at him. “See you tonight.” I said before I left.  After spending some time with the King, he brought some of my new cloth then let me settle in for the night.

((So… um… Skyile. Yeah. Eyes keep growing big in this fic, by the way.))

I returned to the inside of my wagon and prepared a hot bath. I went to the mirror and brushed my hair while I waited for the water to heat up. After about five minuets the water was ready. As I slipped down into the warm water, it felt good against my sore muscles. I begun to relax and slowly let my thoughts drift. Link was the only thing on my mind. “He is sooo handsome.” I thought to myself. “That is the heroic man who became the “Legendary Hero of Time” and saved Hyrule from a life of darkness.”

((Minuets? Blern. Okay, thinking that Link is admirable for his heroism makes sense. But the rest of this crap… urrgh.))

Though something tugged at the back of my mind. I remembered that I had wanted to marry one day.  And Link would be a good choice since he was my age, strong, smart, and handsome and would help make strong beautiful children. Yes indeed Link would make a good husband.

((YOU HAVE KNOWN THIS GUY FOR SEVERAL. MINUTES. WHY DO YOU WANT TO MARRY HIM ALREADY?!))

Then I took the soap and washed up. After I washed I got out of the tub and dried off.  I went to the wardrobe closet to pick out a dress for this evening’s occasion. After some rummaging, I picked a low v cut white dress with lace that held the v together. Gold embroidered Triforce symbols lined the bottom of the dress. And the sleeves started from mid arm and ran all the way down my arm to my wrist. Next I picked a gold choker with the Triforce symbol for around my neck. And a gold Triforce ring for my finger. Then I had to do my hair. I braided my hair into a halo braid and ran a beautiful silver lace through it. After that I went to the full-length mirror to look at myself. As I looked myself over, a knock came at the door.

((It’s me, carrying an anachronistic flamethrower.))

MORE TO COME NEXT POAST.